Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments