Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

Order here:
More here:

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.