Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

This 4th of July, please remember…

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are