Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
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A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My favorite female superhero
