Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
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When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Hmmmmmmm….
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.