Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

me at the job i begged god for

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?