Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
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I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with