Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

She might be a genius

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town