Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?

Because they’re spoiled

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

It’s that simple 👊🏻

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

Would you wear it?

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great