Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Me trying to look natural in photos

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?