Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

She was REALLY feeling it.

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.