Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
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My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
boat question
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control