Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

those birds must be on payroll

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*