Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie