Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t