Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
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(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.