Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.