The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
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getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
washing your hands is essential
how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite
[hits it again]
ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus
God: Women will bleed for a week.
Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?
God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.