Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

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*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein


If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.


Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES


*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital


The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.


Started to go to the gym this morning, couldn’t find my membership card…

A new one was $10

A donut & coffee were $3

Guess who saved $7?


My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA