Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”