Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
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Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.