Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
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FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.