Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.