Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

The best shot in the history of golf

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND