Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
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Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
“How’s your day going?”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow