Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
You Might Also Like
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
buys donuts instead
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop