Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
You Might Also Like
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
he chose this
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register