Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

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[before invention of Twitter]

Void: I just feel empty sometimes

Abyss: *sighs* IKR

[after invention of Twitter]

Void: (:

Abyss: (:


I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.


I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.


My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”


Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.


Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.


Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph



I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*


A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story