@PajamaBen_

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

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@dugglebutt

What do people who work at The Weather Channel talk about in the elevator?

@Robinbuble

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

@ballerguy

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

@tsnotoole

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

@yayalexisgay

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

@StupiDucker

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

@TheCiscoKidder

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

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