Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

Some of y’all tomorrow …

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

my favorite gender

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

We need more people like this.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong