Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!