Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

I just ran a .003048K

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

FRED: right

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one