Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Uh oh…

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?