[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them