Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

incredible text to wake up to

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help