Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.