Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
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The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
What happened to the other hiker??!
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.