Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
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I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
That’s incredible! 👌
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel