Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
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So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
December birthdays be like…
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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3
4
5
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?