Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
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OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
*weighs self after shaving
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
what’s the point then??
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA