Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.
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cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
When someone trying to leave me
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
based
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.