Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.
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Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
🤣😂🤣
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt