*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Okay, I’m still confused…
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Do one thing every day that scares people.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
