*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*