Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
🤣
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Customer is always right
