Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
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You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.