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My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
My favorite female superhero
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished