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[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”