Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.