Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.