Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.