Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Okay this one takes it home
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
don’t be scared
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.