Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.