Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

I am, perchance

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.