Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.