Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

synchronized noseblowing

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.