Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer