Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs