Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands