Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

How to draw a duck

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Body by burrito

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.