Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
What about a To-Don’t List?
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.