Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you can’t find your friend Neil

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

This hospital has everything

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.