Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.