[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
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I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
#dnd #ttrpg
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it