*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
