Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.