Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
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*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Wait a minute
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.