Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe