Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

Liquor Store Parking

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

Not all heroes wear capes.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.