Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
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A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card