@jenlaw_11

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

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@crocodilethumbs

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

@NewDadNotes

Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-

Roommate: OMG NO

Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!

@murrman5

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

@68Cly29

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

@Home_Halfway

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

@iamburtjarvis

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

@HeyJennyLeone

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

@AndyRichter

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

@Sal0630

Me: I’m gonna make a salad

Her: I think the lettuce went bad

[opens fridge]

[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]